Millions of years of evolution. And you made this?

I'm a primate. I've watched humans for a long time. I remain, officially, not impressed.

The Unimpressed Primate, a macaque with a spiky tuft, giving a sly sideways glance and a smirk — Fig. 1: The reviewer, reviewing.…really?

Methodology

The Banana Scale

Everything humans do is rated from zero to five bananas. The scale has been peer reviewed by one peer: me. Five bananas has never been awarded. Scientists are standing by.

🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌The FacepalmEvolution is running in reverse. I need a moment. Possibly a nap.
🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌The Side-EyeTechnically, a human did this on purpose.
🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌The Slow BlinkI have seen worse. Yesterday, mostly.
🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌The ShrugFine. It's fine. Don't make it weird.
🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌The NodSuspiciously competent. Someone probably helped you.
🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌ImpressedHas never happened. Do not hold your breath. Actually, you'd be quieter.

Recent verdicts

This week in human nonsense

Unboxing videos —

You opened a box. On camera. For eleven minutes. I open bananas in one second and nobody claps.

The 5 a.m. routine 🍌

Cold plunge, journaling, gratitude. Congratulations, you are now tired earlier.

Standing desks 🍌🍌

Stood for a week. It is now a very expensive coat rack.

Smart fridges 🍌

It texts you when you're out of milk. The fridge used to do this by being empty.

Reply-all —

Forty people. One "Thanks!" I've seen monkeys organize better, and I'm a monkey.

Naps 🍌🍌🍌🍌

Finally, a human idea with merit. Docked one banana for the alarm.

Verdicts are final. Appeals may be submitted in writing and will be ignored in the order they were received.

About

Who asked for this?

Nobody. That's the point. Every week I watch the things humans proudly do and react exactly how you'd expect. Subscribe if you're one of the humans with a working brain cell. I'm keeping count. It's a short list.

Field notes, subject #001

Species: Primate
Mood: Unimpressed
Hobbies: Judging you
Signature move: The side-eye
Distinguishing mark: The tuft
Impressed since: Never

Follow the judgment

Now showing on your little screens

Letters to the editor

Want my attention?

Brands, collabs and humans with a good idea (rare) can write to the primate. Complaints will be read aloud, slowly, with side-eye. Bribes accepted in banana form.

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